Halycon Mindset

You can’t handle me.

It’s that simple.

Not because I don't want you to,

You just don't understand how integral growth is to change.

I have no theatrics to my being. I play no games. I take no prisoners. I guess you can say that I’m just straightforward to the point, unapologetically. I feel in this society you’ve got to beat around the bush, and every other kind of foliage to get to someone. Is this what we have come to. When you’re kind of sure but not really, when you admit having feelings for someone yet, when it comes to you making good on promises you’re less dependable than G.W. Bush. Really?

I feel like I come from an older time; when people genuinely either were completely sexually risqué, or saved themselves for marriage - you were sure which guys and girls were players and fast and who would give you the clap. Now, the line is so thin and transparent -- an intellectual can talk about Socrates and pussy in the same sentence, and most likely the same sentiment. I’m actually guilty of that myself, I consider myself a scholar and not an intellect though -- but that’s another blog.

Getting back to the point, the line has become so invisible that you can’t separate the users from the abuser from the sincere individuals when it comes to sex and conversation. Another thing I’m guilty of, we mindlessly sext twitter/face book/downelink buddies like theirs no tomorrow. But, in reality when it comes to face to face interaction. Will that flirting ruin any semblance of a friend/relationship that you would’ve had?

Perhaps, I analyze too much. Maybe, I just had corny ass grandparents with puritan and Christian ideals. Maybe, I haven’t had my inner IDGAF turned on yet. However, I know there’s something wrong in your generation when we regard ourselves much higher on our “sexual game and conquests” and less on our accomplishments and our actual personality. A woman’s worth is not in her panties/boxer briefs. A man’s worth is not in his muscles or penis length. Yes, it’s more than a ego stroker to know that you can make a girl soak her panties more than one, or cause a man to get an erection that might last more than four hours and make him seek physicians care. But really, am I really that stuffy?

Honestly, I don’t know if people in my age group are ready for me. Like, I understand and over stand that I am mature for my age in some manners, and odd in others. But, am I looking at the picture, and not realizing that I’ve done many of the things that my peers have done. I really have no sure perspective on that.

I just feel that I can’t be handled by the younger LGBTQ community particularly, the L and Q. I feel as though - women have unrealistic ideals, and are confused. They take in perspective the views of everyone but themselves. Their parents, loved ones, friends, shit, even strangers. What I know is this, I want those close to me to be happy for me, but I know also -- when to draw the line and know that my potential is not dating any member of my close inner circle, my family cannot feel happiness for me, only with me.

A second reason why I think I can’t be handled is because of my cynical nature, if you’ve ready any of my previous entries or even follow me on twitter, you’ll notice that grades and goals come first, everything else ranks second to last place. I rarely relax, kick back and take in the radiance of the sun and the majestic beauty surrounding me, my next thought is only how I’m going to keep my mind set on the future and how spectacular it’s going to be.

Third reason, I’m a natural loner, a Cancer if you will. I refuse to let people into my inner sanctum, I hate to sound like Eminem, but seriously when you’re surrounded my sex, violence and drugs. Random people walking in and out your door and out of your life as well. You don’t even want to trust someone enough to let them climb the walls that you’ve built around yourself.

However, with all this self realization I recognize the following:

I single myself out a lot. I think I have nothing in common with anyone so I dare not even risk it. However, there are millions of people walking the planet feeling misunderstood spending their whole lies alone unable to face the reality that we are supposed to create bonds with each other.

I live in fear, I fear rejection and failure. I fear I will receive that from the people I surround myself with.

I think of “I” too much. Introspection is amazing, but too much can lead to an inflated sense of self, as well no relevance to anyone.

I think too gotdamned much. I really out to just let things flow..

With all that being said, I notice that no one is ready for me, because I haven’t been able to unlock the potential deeply hidden inside myself. I allowed a thousand layers of shells to conceal my inner carefree nature. Im beginning to understand what has held me back, and that was me….

I begin the most important day of y academic career tomorrow, the beginning of my internship. I’ve said countless time that I’m nervous, that I didn’t want to step on any proverbial feet. Sometimes, YOU have to get out of your own way.

What I’m describing is called a halycon mindset -- which simply means you are calm and peaceful. The proper response to all of what burdens us. Erykah said it best, “I guess nobody ever told you, all you must hold on to, is YOU”

I still know that many in my age group can’t handle me, whether in friendship, partnership or relationship. That’s to be expected, we are the most misguided and confused generation, well besides the 90’s and 00’s baby, bless their hearts! But, seriously, I am apart of the late 80’s generation that taught the right stuff to go to college, but not the right mindset to conquer it all. Yes, church can give you guidelines, but those guidelines are only lines of script that many of us don’t act on -- that’s another blog post though.

What I’m trying to drive at is the following… we must unplug, dewire, and generally be real with ourselves, and those who we keep close to us. I am letting getting go of my past, but I cannot deal with others who can not let go of theirs. Who straddle the fence instead of going after what they want. Who complain about college, yet barely do anything except required courses. Who, at the end of their lives, had less accomplishments than they did when they were born.

It’s a harsh way to view the world, but who we are is a reflection of who and what we surround ourselves with - willing and also what we input into ourselves. Essentially, I want to be around individuals with the same aura as me. Not wanting to play games as if we will respawn if we make a mistake.

It might be too much to ask, but if I can think it into being -- than it mostly likely does exist.