Chilli

Paper:
PublishedDate: Tuesday, April 18, 2006
Edition:
Page: 3C
Book: G


Chilli keeps it real, even own her own

Static Writer

Ready to return to the top of the pop music charts, Rozonda "Chilli" Thomas has a new album preparing for release (though it's without a name or release date). Looking back at her career, the R&B artist has always been about positive messages for young people, particularly girls, from the way her group TLC dressed to the lyrics of their songs. She says times have changed with today's music and she's ready to bring it back to where she began.

TLC dropped their first album when most teens were still babies. As a quick refresher, TLC doesn't stand for The Learning Channel or Tender Loving Care. It actually stands for Tionne Watkins, Lisa Lopes and Crystal Jones, the three original members of the group. Therefore, when Crystal left and Thomas joined, the girls were given nicknames: Watkins became "T-Boz", Lopes "Left-Eye", and Thomas "Chilli". These nicknames would later be explained as follows: "T-Boz" because "Tionne is the boss," "Left Eye" because "the eye is right," and "Chilli" because "Rozonda brings the sauce." The names stuck.

Ooooooohhh. . . On the TLC Tip, the act's first album was released in 1992, on which the baggy pants-wearing trio delivered classics such as "Baby, Baby, Baby," "Ain't 2 Proud 2 Beg" and "What About Your Friends." Then they sold 11 million copies of CrazySexyCool in 1994, with the songs "Waterfalls" and "Creep." Along with releasing a legendary album, the trio announced they were bankrupt. The bounced back, however, with the release of FanMail, the thank you album they recorded for their fans that gave us songs like "No Scrubs" and "Unpretty."

Lopes died in 2003 in a fatal car accident, and is dearly missed by the remaining members of TLC. In Chilli's own words, she will "never be replaced."

In 2005, T-Boz and Chilli hosted a reality show R U the Girl (With T-Boz and Chilli) on UPN, where contestants competed for the chance to collaborate with and get signed by Chilli and T-Boz -- not replace Lopes. The winner of the contest, O'So Krispie, is still in the picture, Chilli said, "I am getting O'So Krispie a deal, she's fine."

Style

As a member of the trend-setting group TLC, Chilli wore her share of pre-picked costumes and outfits that simply irked her. These days she has one fashion trend that she cannot stand.

"I don't like humongous sunglasses," she said. "I used to babysit Nicole Richie and now she's wearing the glasses. Honestly, I think people look like bumblebees."

And since she is coming out with a new album and then likely a tour, she has to think of the style she will present along with the songs.

"No baggy clothes!" she exclaimed. "What you saw with TLC was really baggy clothes. At the time, we were going against the trend of wearing hot pants and biker shorts. That's why we wore baggy pants. Honestly, even though I wore the layers of boxers . . . my pants were sagging to my knees."

She is a fan of the pop "classics": MC Hammer's Please Hammer Don't Hurt 'Em, anything by Michael Jackson and Seal's three self-titled albums.

"His voice -- oh my God -- puts you into a trance," she said. "He's awesome . . . he's clever. [His] lyrics show that."

Reflections and Advice

Chilli reflected on her career with TLC. She was very young when she started with the group, but for other aspiring artists, she had a strong message.

"Really. Finish school first," Chilli said. "It's very important. The more knowledge the better off you'll be. After high school is the best time to come out. Some parents these days are pimping their children (to the music industry)."

"There is a big difference between the scene from the '90s when I came out, and even before I came out," she said. "Songs had substance. There was artist development. Like the song (by Down for Life) "Laffy Taffy.' The beat is jammin', but you notice that (they're) talking about a body part as though it's a lollipop. If I had a record label, I would make sure the artist had positive and meaningful lyrics."

The song Chilli can't get out of her head is her own "I'm Hot."

"It's not a conceited type of song where I think that I'm the bomb. It's about a basic girlfriend/boyfriend relationships, and how you're so hot that he better get it together. It's a song about believing in yourself."

Chilli is a woman of substance, a woman with a mission if you will, as well as very spiritual.

"Career-wise, God gave me a gift and I recognize it. I am thankful to God, and with my influence, I want to make a difference in the world." Chilli added, "I want ladies to not let videos influence their opinions of themselves or their self-worth. Women need to preserve their goods, and I want to help women in any way I can."

Personal philosophy

Chilli's philosophy on life is simple: "It's good to set goals that you want to reach, but don't be married to a goal. The effects can be devastating. I've learned that God allows you to be on this earth, but it's best not to have goals in life. It will leave you disappointed in the end."

Chilli is here to stay to try to change the scope of music for as long as she can. She has strong spiritual faith, family ties and love of TLC's memory, specifically Left-Eye. She has a plan for her longevity:

"Ask God to help you. Be thankful he showed you your gift at such a young age. Ask him to help you everyday."

Victoria Thomas is a senior at Camden County Technical Schools, Pennsauken Campus. She can be reached at courierpostonline.com.

Inner Strength

Despite what many people may or may not think. Things we/are not always copacetic and cool with me. I've had to dig deep within myself to refuse becoming the very things that have surrounded me all of my life. I'm not claiming to have a sob story of a life, because believe it or not -- there are millions of adopted/foster children in America that have similar stories to mine, crackhead mother, deadbeat/absentee father, despicable family members. We have overcome them - to become lawyers, journalists, parents, teachers, professors, businesspeople, CEO's and everyday people.

My ambitions have been magnified since I noticed that I had to break a generational curse of motherlessness in my family. No one in my family for the past 5 generations in my family has had a mother. My grandfather's mother died in childbirth with him, as did his father's mother. My grandfather's wife died while my mother was in her childhood, and my mother has been dead to me since the Court System deemed her unfit to raise a child. Since then, my mother gave birth to 3 other daughters, one she doesn't know the whereabouts of, one with her biological father, one given to her for being clean for a year, and myself, a 21 going on 22 year old.

I've tried to let my past go, let go of the inhibitions, the guards, the fears, the walls that I've built around myself so that those close to me could never betray me, never promise to be there knowing that they won't, promising that they'll always hold a pivotal position in my life yet are out like thieves in the night when I need them most.

I'm not gonna lie like the rest and pretend not to be insecure ... I actually am. I have fear, I have concern that I'll be a failure, or that I won't become a mother, or once I finally get the chance to become one. I'll fail my child -- like my mother failed me.

However, recently -- I've had to reach deep inside myself, nearly turn myself inside out. Allow myself to breathe and exude confidence that generational curses can be broken -- that I don't have to run away from my fears, I can confront them and banish them from where they came.

Honestly, for 22 years, I've always felt like I was holding my breathe, hurting for all the wrong reasons, blaming myself for my mother's drug addiction of 21 years. Cursing the very day I was born -- I know I was born to inspire others.

I'm not gonna wait for my blessings to roll out the red carpet for me in the future, I truly recongnize that I've been blessed with abilities that could only come from spending most of your life in fear, yet digesting it all with maturity. Since I was young there was no verbal or written challenge that I couldn't overcome. Observation, spoken word, writing, and intellectual and philosophical discourse has always come easy to me.

I want to use this ability to affect others, like many before me have come into my life, showing me the way away from my problems, was accepting their existence, and not trying to erase them but work through and not ignore them like they didn't exist.

Recently, I was on academic probation, in Spring 2009, I came back on campus with a 1.9 CUMULATIVE GPA. I am writing today, a year later, with a 2.7 Cumulative GPA. I could've buried my head in the sand like a true Cancer, like a person who's been hurt a thousand times from the woman who's womb I dispelled out of just 22 years ago. I refused to victimize myself, to hurt myself, to come down on myself. Today, I'll be resting up for day 3 of my internship, ready to champion the world, and essentially build something my kids can be proud of their mother for accomplishing. It took one step of inner consciousness. ONE.

It took alot of mental discipline to be where I'm at. Seriously.

Inner strength and serenity is what many pray for... I am that.

Halycon Mindset

You can’t handle me.

It’s that simple.

Not because I don't want you to,

You just don't understand how integral growth is to change.

I have no theatrics to my being. I play no games. I take no prisoners. I guess you can say that I’m just straightforward to the point, unapologetically. I feel in this society you’ve got to beat around the bush, and every other kind of foliage to get to someone. Is this what we have come to. When you’re kind of sure but not really, when you admit having feelings for someone yet, when it comes to you making good on promises you’re less dependable than G.W. Bush. Really?

I feel like I come from an older time; when people genuinely either were completely sexually risqué, or saved themselves for marriage - you were sure which guys and girls were players and fast and who would give you the clap. Now, the line is so thin and transparent -- an intellectual can talk about Socrates and pussy in the same sentence, and most likely the same sentiment. I’m actually guilty of that myself, I consider myself a scholar and not an intellect though -- but that’s another blog.

Getting back to the point, the line has become so invisible that you can’t separate the users from the abuser from the sincere individuals when it comes to sex and conversation. Another thing I’m guilty of, we mindlessly sext twitter/face book/downelink buddies like theirs no tomorrow. But, in reality when it comes to face to face interaction. Will that flirting ruin any semblance of a friend/relationship that you would’ve had?

Perhaps, I analyze too much. Maybe, I just had corny ass grandparents with puritan and Christian ideals. Maybe, I haven’t had my inner IDGAF turned on yet. However, I know there’s something wrong in your generation when we regard ourselves much higher on our “sexual game and conquests” and less on our accomplishments and our actual personality. A woman’s worth is not in her panties/boxer briefs. A man’s worth is not in his muscles or penis length. Yes, it’s more than a ego stroker to know that you can make a girl soak her panties more than one, or cause a man to get an erection that might last more than four hours and make him seek physicians care. But really, am I really that stuffy?

Honestly, I don’t know if people in my age group are ready for me. Like, I understand and over stand that I am mature for my age in some manners, and odd in others. But, am I looking at the picture, and not realizing that I’ve done many of the things that my peers have done. I really have no sure perspective on that.

I just feel that I can’t be handled by the younger LGBTQ community particularly, the L and Q. I feel as though - women have unrealistic ideals, and are confused. They take in perspective the views of everyone but themselves. Their parents, loved ones, friends, shit, even strangers. What I know is this, I want those close to me to be happy for me, but I know also -- when to draw the line and know that my potential is not dating any member of my close inner circle, my family cannot feel happiness for me, only with me.

A second reason why I think I can’t be handled is because of my cynical nature, if you’ve ready any of my previous entries or even follow me on twitter, you’ll notice that grades and goals come first, everything else ranks second to last place. I rarely relax, kick back and take in the radiance of the sun and the majestic beauty surrounding me, my next thought is only how I’m going to keep my mind set on the future and how spectacular it’s going to be.

Third reason, I’m a natural loner, a Cancer if you will. I refuse to let people into my inner sanctum, I hate to sound like Eminem, but seriously when you’re surrounded my sex, violence and drugs. Random people walking in and out your door and out of your life as well. You don’t even want to trust someone enough to let them climb the walls that you’ve built around yourself.

However, with all this self realization I recognize the following:

I single myself out a lot. I think I have nothing in common with anyone so I dare not even risk it. However, there are millions of people walking the planet feeling misunderstood spending their whole lies alone unable to face the reality that we are supposed to create bonds with each other.

I live in fear, I fear rejection and failure. I fear I will receive that from the people I surround myself with.

I think of “I” too much. Introspection is amazing, but too much can lead to an inflated sense of self, as well no relevance to anyone.

I think too gotdamned much. I really out to just let things flow..

With all that being said, I notice that no one is ready for me, because I haven’t been able to unlock the potential deeply hidden inside myself. I allowed a thousand layers of shells to conceal my inner carefree nature. Im beginning to understand what has held me back, and that was me….

I begin the most important day of y academic career tomorrow, the beginning of my internship. I’ve said countless time that I’m nervous, that I didn’t want to step on any proverbial feet. Sometimes, YOU have to get out of your own way.

What I’m describing is called a halycon mindset -- which simply means you are calm and peaceful. The proper response to all of what burdens us. Erykah said it best, “I guess nobody ever told you, all you must hold on to, is YOU”

I still know that many in my age group can’t handle me, whether in friendship, partnership or relationship. That’s to be expected, we are the most misguided and confused generation, well besides the 90’s and 00’s baby, bless their hearts! But, seriously, I am apart of the late 80’s generation that taught the right stuff to go to college, but not the right mindset to conquer it all. Yes, church can give you guidelines, but those guidelines are only lines of script that many of us don’t act on -- that’s another blog post though.

What I’m trying to drive at is the following… we must unplug, dewire, and generally be real with ourselves, and those who we keep close to us. I am letting getting go of my past, but I cannot deal with others who can not let go of theirs. Who straddle the fence instead of going after what they want. Who complain about college, yet barely do anything except required courses. Who, at the end of their lives, had less accomplishments than they did when they were born.

It’s a harsh way to view the world, but who we are is a reflection of who and what we surround ourselves with - willing and also what we input into ourselves. Essentially, I want to be around individuals with the same aura as me. Not wanting to play games as if we will respawn if we make a mistake.

It might be too much to ask, but if I can think it into being -- than it mostly likely does exist.

So, why are you such a loner?

So many people know I write and have excellent grades. I have great looks and a way that I carry myself sets me apart from the hundreds of thousands that are in my age group. But, what few know - is that -- I'm quite the loner.

For some odd reason, I get classified as player, joker, or general cool cat. However, it hasn't always been this way. Perhaps, I can explain why I never imagined I'd be called anything but weird, annoying, and the worst thing God took the time to create.

When I was younger, way young, let's say when I was around 5 and my cognitive recognition was kicking in. Life was turned on it's head. I was watching the life of a 20 something-er, watching her taking shots & drinking beer, wearing revealing clothing, and well watching my mother do drugs around me. She'd party and have relations with both genders well into the morning -- while I was in the other room. If there wasn't a party or sex in the other room, my house wasn't normal.

Men ran through my house and mother quicker than water runs through a sifter, with ease. My mother drew no lines, let anyone crash, strangers and enemies alike. Unbeknowst to her, she wasn't the only host the guests were enjoying. I got called out on several occasions, to serve my mother's requests often embarrassing. However, one night -- my innocence would be robbed from me. One man, who I trusted, took my virginity -- to this day inhibiting me to let myself go sexually. Honestly, I've never had a full body orgasm that I've given dozens of women. I refuse to let go, when my own body was used in a purpose that I can't even begin to understand.

I was told to keep shut, or worse would happen to me. By my very own mother, it hurt to look into her eyes and to see that the demonic blindess of drugs made her turn her love away from her own child. My own recollection of the event that happened between my mother's lover and myself has faded, but to this day I still have nightmares about this man.

Before I knew it, my mother o'd and I was in the foster care system. She recovered in a hospital, but that last person she wanted to call was me. The state assumed and labeled her as unfit, and arrested her for endangerment of a child.

At this time in my life. I never had a single child friend, my life was spent in the shadow of my mother and her drug addiction, she never held a single job - yet held me hostage when all I wanted to do was explore the real world and just be a happy kid.

I regret that my formative years were spent going from my mother's drug haven of a house, then to a crack house, to men's houses, foster homes, court houses and finally my grandmother and grandfather's house.

I just wanted something to call my own. Some piece of myself that wasn't polluted, all I was handed was hurt, the hurt of my mother -- that she lost her own mother. My mother took her depression out in a bottle and a needle. I take mine out in cigarettes and being lonely. I've shadow boxed with the demon of addiction, however, I've succumbed, to the addiction of meaningless sex. Til this day, I can't keep a woman in my life ... b|c sooner than later, she'll want to sleep with me, and of course after the deed is done, I'm just as empty as before.

I refuse to blame my mother and her drug addiction for my own mental incapacity. I blame no one for my own condition. I blame her for forgetting that her own seed is more important that a nick of dust.

To this day, I have remained socially awkward -- I see people as fickle, liars, and shells of something utterly ugly. I admire few, and hang around even fewer. I now have a cynical nature after trying to grow into a beautiful young lady. I mean what is the point of opening up to be shut down? I'd rather keep my distance.

I may have an exceptional GPA, interesting perspective, but I'm hurting -- I can't let go of the cards that I was dealt, I've refused to shuffle to get a better hand. I really want to change for the better, but my past is a door that keep placing itself in front of the door in my future. I wanted to get a battering ram to knock this door down but I don't know what that battering ram is yet.

#sigh. the more I try to explain, the more insane I sound.

Vicious Cycle.

Many people think I'm just Ms. Academia, iJournalist, and all that mess.

Most swear my only focus is an A on my transcript, and music.

Honestly, women -- have truly been a distraction that I gladly welcome. Let's start from the beginning. All women's name will be initials of nicknames of actual names.

2006, year of graduation. Prom, senior trip, tassel and mortarboard. Also, the year that TW & AT piqued my curiosity in women. One, I regret messing with on that level because at that age, 17, I truly needed to get a nut off that I wasn't getting in before. I was truly - TRULY a virgin and hadn't a relationship prior to '06. AT all I got was a kiss from her that confirmed my gayness -- and why I had zilch interest in the male species. TW wasn't the greatest at all... just hardcore making out -- and letters saying what I would do to her if given the chance but growing up with both our parents being pastors... wasn't gonna let that happen.

Queue Summer 2006, I'm in the Pre-College Institute for Rowan University students. Girls, were --- eh. Truly had no interest there either. Until the actual Fall semester came around ... first day of school I walk around with friends and run into the suitemate of my friend. Honestly, I was lifted and was more interested in the cheetos I was eating than my first sexual conquest. However, as all things go -- a sleepover turned into fucking, and my libido has been forever kickstarted with DF.

Spring of 2007 was no better, a girl that was a senior in high school while I was a sophomore, felt the need to tell me that she was interested in me but wanted to wait until I was legal; we'll call her CD, surprisingly -- she like I was more interested in sex -- than anything. It was a fling; a true rebound with both of trying to show our exes that we were done. I knew I was, she wasn't.

Again, I met another female, this one intent on getting to finally meet me, I agreed. I didn't hit until about three weeks later, and 3 blunts in. Honestly, I had no liking for her at all. One night with CW in my room one late night, and my roommate switched rooms leaving me with a single double.

It didn't stop there, my sexual obsession even carried itself into the United States Army, while at Basic Combat Training, I met several females. I mean who wouldn't I lived in a bay with the same people for 70 days. However, sex wasn't hard to come by. Forgive the pun. One girl down, and the next week fucking the other... I truly didn't want those girls -- yet they wanted to tell me bye before I went home. AI, KT, thanks!

I got discharged, thankfully not on DADT, but a true medical discharge.

Civilian life, with sex -- got no easier. I truly had a interest in DS, but that fell thru when I got desperate to mess PT, a white girl. I never really like white women, yet the money she made was enticing enough to get me on board, I had homecooked meals, outfits to the T, and everything else I wanted without working. Little did I know, that conjoining my life with someone I was using would result in me being used myself. I went on this way for a year, finally screeching my wheels and ending it all. Once, agreements, financial, went thru the floor.

Yet, and still women always find away until a way into my life, promising to cater to my needs, seducing me with promises, and leaving me high and dry. C, this is for you.

AA, you tried, but you were far too young and naive. So, was I.

ET, nah, not the alien, an actual girl -- I truly thought you were more than just a fun romp in the sack, boy did I get fooled, but thanks to you, I enjoyed my first orgasm. You still rock for that!

I stopped dating completely in 2008, no official interests, single for an entire year, until I found one woman that changed it all. KC, you know who you are, we've grown very much apart this year, we both -- know why it's over, there's nothing I can write viscous about you. We had our beef, but you're truly happy -- and deserve it.

Again, I stopped dating completely, I've messed around with dozens of girls, whether physically and thru the good ol' internet. Honestly, if I've never met you save, for 1. you really didn't mean that much, we were both just bored.

Between KC, and KM, I met BW, didn't think I was your type, still don't. You're a gorgeous girl, with amazing features, great conversation, and a wonderful kisser, my neck still misses you. But, besides that -- I can't say anything bad about you, we grew apart as I thought I was growing with someone.

KM, we used each other. You may have been genuinely into me, but everything about you now convinces me otherwise. Karma's a bitch, just like it was for me.

I now know my days of using women are over, I use women the way drug addicts use coke, to ignore my true thoughts and feelings, assignments and tasks, insecurities and self esteem - by dominating yours.

However, I got bested at my own game, when I thought that I only fell for two women in my entire lifetime, both are doing their own thing. While I should have been preserving mine.

My charm have gotten me women that I have bedded within hours of meeting. Not bragging at all, looking thru the chapters of my life, and the bookmarks otherwise known as women that have been spawn throughout, I truly notice a vicious cycle that I undertook thinking I was a Rico Sauve type, when I was more of insecure type, thinking the women I attracted and sexed were reflections of my game, when they were the reflections of the insanity that I surrounded myself with.

Each of the women listed are insecure like me. Hurt like me. Wanting to snap her bra, and snatch off her draws, rather than make a real connection. I've wanted a real connection all of my life. However, I think that intimacy will keep them around -- when in fact... it made you all flee.

It's for the better, to teach me a lesson. That the right moment is worth the wait, the right opportunity is worth earning, patience is a virtue, no matter how great the desire.

All 15+ of you enforced a pivotal lesson. I'm patiently waiting the right one, and not the one that's just gonna be here right now.

Forgive the cliche, but that's just real. I regret sleeping with so many women, engaging them in fruitless relationships; but I knew I'm not the only one that has this problem in the LGBT community just the first to admit it.

Hey, how'd that interview go?

I took a gamble this semester, a gamble of whether I was ready for the "real world" that I'm gonna be thrust into after Sallie Mae is tired of paying my bills. So, I stalked professors until they'd give me the names of newspapers looking for interns. Sat down, crossed my fingers, prayed to every deity, and sent out a request for information for the Human Resources department at the Tribune. About 20 minutes later, a Mr. Victor Smith (I now realize that fate worked in my favor with the irony of a Victoria Thomas meeting a Victor Smith) responded that I should send my resume and cover letter in; honestly -- I didn't even type up either of those documents before inquiring about the position, yet made one in 20 minutes. Sent it off, after several days I received a call asking what kind of internship I'd be interested in.

I'm sitting here flattered that the oldest black owned and published newspaper in the United States was interested in my material, I said -- whatever position you have, but I have plenty of web expertise -- and internship in that would work out really well.

Well, long story short, I was called in for an interview. Can we say NERVOUS. I had everything from "Do they employ lesbians?" to "I hope I don't wake up with a pimple in the middle of my face!" --- However, my confidence shot up to the top once I realized that what I was experiencing what I've been waiting for since I was seven... that'd I be going corporate and that I'd sitting across the conference table from the most influential people in African American publishing industry wanted me to join .... them.

Needless to say, I am now preparing for the FIRST largest career in my life. National Association of Black Journalist here I come!